17th Swing [Video]

[deadalready]

[Cato stares at the journal for a good ten seconds, unblinking and tired - either trying to collect his thoughts or just...spacing out. Either way, he comes back to it blinking and takes a fortifying breath.]

There are people here who've been in wars right?

[He doesn't think the Games count as a war, but he feels like battle is sort of a unifying point between soldiers and Tributes. When it comes down to it, they're both trying to kill people right? That's his understanding of it, and it's the only reason he's asking this question in the first place. There are no Tributes he can talk to about this. Not really. Clove and him well...they don't talk. Not that much. And Katniss...well he isn't even gonna think about talking to her. A little bitter still about coming close to being a Victor? Possibly.]

I don't know what you'd call them. But this last draft...

[Cato's lips seal into a thin line and he looks away from the journal. Composing himself? Trying to figure out how to word things? Who knows.]

How do you ... 'deal' with that? Going back?

It feels like it's been forever since the last time. Sure there were other drafts, but ... I've come close to getting killed again here a lot, but it's never happened.

[He - like a lot of people - had never experienced death like that. The sensation of being watched so strong that he felt like he was going to be sick. Except he was dead.

Yeah that's still throwing him for a loop.]

I guess that's what made it stick out in my head. I don't really remember what I did the first few weeks I was here but it wasn't... good. For me.

[Cato is different from the angry, confused, bloodthirsty kid who found himself in a field without dogs swarming over him. A little less angry, still just as confused and the urge to fight and kill has subsided enough to where he doesn't feel like it's the best solution for any and everything. He's gotten better at being a person but this...has clearly shaken him up.]

I'm trying to figure out how to reconcile that. I guess.

Comments

[Video] Evan is collecting traumatized kids apparently, hi.

[onearmedexmerc]

[Evan's expression is calm as he finds another kid asking for help over the journal system. Seem like this place is really doing a number on the youths.

He almost feels like the right person to help, except for that nagging voice in the back of his head. But, in the end, kids weren't all that different from adults, so he could handle this. Maybe.]

How to 'deal' huh? Well, I guess the main thing is, don't expect to be the same as you were before. War changes a person, and the changes tend to be permanent.

[Video] rofl evan's school for traumatized youngsters

[deadalready]

[It's sort of a comfort to have a straight answer. Even if it's prefaced with an 'I guess' it works for Cato. It's honest. He doesn't expect everyone to have all the answers.]

How many times does a person have to change before they aren't even close to themselves anymore?

[But that doesn't mean he's not gonna ask more questions.]

[Video] Class is now in session

[onearmedexmerc]

[Evan's learned enough to know he doesn't have all the answers and never will. But he does have experience, and that helps.]

Well, I suppose that depends on what 'themself' they are aiming for. After all, the you of ten years ago is not the same you as today but it is still you.

Wait, that's a bit confusing...

[Evan taps his chin in thought.]

I've been through a lot of paradigm shifts in my life. Have I changed irrevocable from who I was when I was younger, yes. Was it for the better? ....Not always. Does that mean I am not myself? No.

If you are scared of loosing what make you, you... then hold onto it. Keep your core morals, personal truths, what you enjoy and what you hate. Be ready for change, and accept change is going to happen, but you shape the change. Don't let the change shape you.

...Does that make any sense to you? Afraid I got a bit... philosophical there.

[video]

[deadalready]

.... I kinda got it?

[Cato doesn't sound too sure though. He sort of faded in and out of that explanation.]

I get the last part. That made sense.

[Video]

[mountain_sage]

[It was the first draft in over a year, and Saleh hadn't even been called on this time. And from what he's heard, it sounded serious. At the very least, he does have experience with war. The one that still weighs on his mind the most is the one happening back home.]

I don't know what you mean by "going back..." But how to deal with war? You do what needs to be done at whatever cost. Think about everything that's at stake. Fight to protect yourself, your loved ones...and even the world you live in. Those things will help you overcome the trauma and tragedy when it ends.

[This has been Saleh's primary motivation. For him, standing by helplessly, unable to do anything is as bad as trying and failing.]

[Video]

[deadalready]

What the hell do you mean 'I don't know'? It's pretty fucking obvious.

[Cato grumbles, retreating back into rudeness because it's easy and he knows it better than this vulnerable state he's left himself open to. Maybe it was a bad idea to post this question to the community because if this is the kind of answer he's going to keep getting...]

[Video]

[mountain_sage]

[Wow. Rood. Oh well, Saleh's encountered his fair share of rude people, but returning the rudeness will only worsen things. So he remains calm.]

Going back to war? Or going back home?

[Video]

[deadalready]

[It's his default state of being.]

War. Battle. Survival. Whatever you want to call it.

action:

[shenevermisses]

[She waits a few hours. Lets him talk to other people. Keeps her distance in a way.

She wasn't there for... whatever happened. The death, the bomb. She still doesn't really understand what Cato went through. And she's not trying to, really. She doesn't expect anyone to understand the Games and Panem without living it, so she's not going to be stupid and try and understand something she didn't.

But what does strike her is the fear that there is now a marked difference between them. Not just in experience. But in perception.

It's why she's leaning in a doorway when she says it, quietly. Almost careful.]

You didn't like being back?

[Another battle, another life or death situation.

For her, it had been refreshing. Something she knew what to do with and how to handle.]

action:

[deadalready]

[Cato jerks in his seat as she speaks, almost making to close his journal when he hears her but this isn't anything she wouldn't have seen or would see and...yeah it's too late for that anyway. He's just been developing the habit.

He pauses, considering his answer. On the one hand it was so nice just being able to do what he was good at again. On the other, dying had colored the entire draft in a bad light for Cato. And he didn't think Clove would ever really understand that.]

I don't know.

[Cato shrugs, because he can't lie to her when they're talking about this kind of stuff.]

Being able to fight again...actually fight... [He smiles, a sort of dreamy look on his face as he sighs. It's like he's talking about his first love or Clovesomething.]

But that... something wrong happened before you were there.

action:

[shenevermisses]

[Being able to actually fight. Feeling her blood pounding in her chest, hearing it in her ears. Every moment that of being alive, of living for the kill. She's missed it.

And she's missed them.

This peace? Is all well and good. It's let them return to their Academy ways. Teasing and flirting and getting to know each other as people.

But it's not them.

They are vicious and violent and bloody.

But something happened that she can't even pretend to understand. Or try to understand.]

That's what I've heard.

Video

[that_is_asecret]

Well Mr. Cato, I'm no expert on dying myself. I tend to avoid it as often as possible. I do know somewhere here who is more versed in what happens afterwards.

video

[deadalready]

Oh?

[Oh it's you.]

video

[that_is_asecret]

Yes, he goes by the name Phibrizzo. Quite well versed in such things.

[That is to say death]

[Voice]

[niceguypose]

That death we experienced! It was so tragic! [Great, now you've got him going again.]

[Voice]

[deadalready]

Uh....Yeah. Sure was?

[Cato is just going to sideeye the sudden melodrama, he doesn't understand Lee.]

[Voice]

[niceguypose]

That's right! But... We are alive now! Our youth is restored! Isn't that great?

[voice]

[complicatedliar]

[He only wishes he knew. Some battles are easier to let go than others. Ones with no real conclusion are the hardest of all, and Loki's never been good at letting anything go.]

Pick up a hobby.

Or you can go the traditional Aesir way, and get so drunk celebrating the end of one war that you start the next.

[voice]

[deadalready]

Aesir?

[Don't tell him he'll think it's the best thing since sliced bread.]

[voice]

[complicatedliar]

The race that lives in Asgard.

They generally fancy themselves warrior gods.

[Video]

[voiceinthedark]

[It hits a little close to home. Everyone is like that back home, except maybe the kids too young to remember anything of before.]

You don't... no-one comes out of this kind of thing... sane. Not entirely. You just have to... to work with the broken bits.

[Video]

[deadalready]

Really? Great.

[If Cato sounds a little...choked up, ignore that Sam. It's probably the first time he's ever gotten some information on trauma that doesn't make him feel like a total weakling.]

So I haven't been fucking this up since I got here.

[He doesn't sound too relieved though.]

[Video]

[voiceinthedark]

Yeah, sorry it's not better news but...

[He smiles a little.]

It's... what did Maxine call it? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Except you still get it even in the middle of stress too.

It sucks.

[Video] Shortly after Cato's conversation with Xellos

[brat_from_hell]

[Phibrizzo flips open the book and uses the video function if only because he wants to see Cato's reaction to a "child" talking to him about death.]

Hi Mr. Cato! Xellos said you had questions about death?

[Voice]

[voidseeing]

You pick yourself up and keep on going. That's all you or anyone else can do.

[It was what he'd had to do countless times in his life simply because his choice was either to do that or to just lie down and give up, and he had never been the sort to give in to anything.]